omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
