I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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