You made me cry and you don't even care
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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