he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
