The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
