i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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