it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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