i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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