I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
