The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
