Sponge bath it is.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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