I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
