Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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