I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
