I smell stomach acid.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
