i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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