i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
