I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
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Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
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we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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