Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
