Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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