I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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