Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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