i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
