You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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