It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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