I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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