Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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