He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
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I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
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Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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