the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
thus making me awesome and them whores
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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