I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
