Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
