I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I think I won the penis lottery.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
