Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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