Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
