like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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