I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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