physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
