No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
