Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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