Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
