LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
