I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
