you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
