what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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