Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
