She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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