why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
