the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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