today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
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Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
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There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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