So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
