I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Randomize
