Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night