I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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