I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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