i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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