woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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