My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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