I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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