it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
