When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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